Loved Certainly

“Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.” Ecclesiastes 11:5
Once again, the “verse of the day” on my sidebar grabbed my attention this day.

The “uncertainties” of life are “certainly” directed!

This is what I know. This is all I need to know.

But I will be very honest with you. To just “know” something, to simply believe something, would not always be enough for me time and time again.

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so...”

The Bible tells me how loved I am, but Jesus shows me His love personally. This is what I cling to when the sadness of losing this baby, or the difficulty of any matter, tempts to seep deeply.
“To know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge.” Ephesians 3:19a

This verse means to know experientially what I know to be true generally.

I have been told and have believed since I was little that I am loved by God. I believe and cling to this love proven to me during my valley experiences when God reveals Himself to me.

This personal, relational love is Jesus. I have a relationship with my God. I do not follow legalistic rules of a religion.

No legalism would have met my hurting heart like my Father has. No religion would have left me the grace gifts that my Father has. No group of people would have ministered to my grief in the way the body of Christ has.

My Jesus has been so very kind to me. I am certain in His love—for me!

I cannot understand the wind, nor the creation of life in the womb. I cannot understand the activities of God, nor the death of my baby before being fully formed.
But I can be certain of my God’s love for me!

Today, I am more sure of that than I was a month ago. This is not blind faith. This is not wishful thinking. This is not saying and doing the things that I should because I outwardly want everyone to think I am handling this in a “Christ-like” manner.

He has spoken to me, guided my path, controlled my iPod :) and miraculously touched me physically. These facts cannot be ignored and were not imagined. All is certain.

But nothing more so than His love.

I do not understand the why’s behind my miscarriage.

I do understand the love of my Jesus in a deeper, experienced way.

I have learned once again that nothing passes through His hands unredeemed.

If granting me the honor of mothering this child this short while was for no other reason than to show me how deeply He loves me, than this death has been redeemed. I believe there is much more to it than that. But again, having been so richly loved on is enough because walking this path has been absolutely incredible—life altering.

I pray regularly for personal encounters with God for myself, my husband and my children.

No encounter could be more personal than to be certain beyond doubt of God’s individual, deep love for me!
I pray this for you. I pray that you would encounter His love in a personally passionate way! Nothing is more necessary in our journey than this. Then, no matter what God allows to filter down to us through His fingers, we can walk trusting in His proven Love to carry us triumphantly—joyfully!


~Pictures are of love gifts to our family...beautiful case to hold temporary casing of baby's soul with matching cross carving for a keepsake and cherry tree planted in memory~

This Is My God! ~ Part 2

Touched by the Healer’s healing hand. How do I even begin to describe the ecstasy of emotions?

Lying in bed last night, I had a lot on my mind...
...8:50 a.m. doctor appointment.
...Knowing what she would want to suggest this third meeting in 2 weeks.
...Words of concerned husband trusting me with this body given to him.
...My own swirl of thoughts and physical concerns.

Last tearful plea to Loving Father at late hour... “I don’t know what to do God. I want to rest confidently in this decision whatever the outcome. Direct my heart, my thoughts, in the way to go.”

Scattered reminders of household chores flutter about when thoughts came to my ear—received so decidedly; definitely not of my own imagination.

I awaken restless sleeper next to me to share the plan given by the Giver of all things.

We share smiles in the night...peace for minds...kisses given and received with relief!

From conversation with the nurse then the doctor, I make known what was made known to me the night before. “This is what I’d like to do” spoken with a confidence and authority not typical for me.

Miracle revealed!

Words from my doctor at the last ultrasound were shock and disbelief in what she witnessed. Unbelievable the amount of blood and clotting for all that had already been lost. Remaining tissue. Body confused in the change of plans for this special place. Responding with more blood to make up for what was shed.

Then came this day.

Another peek into God’s creation workshop.

Words from my doctor of delightful surprise. Empty. Beautiful. Perfect.

How?

So little outward blood flow this time--so unlike the week prior.

It is uncommon but possible for the body to absorb an abruptly ended pregnancy. Yet all the more rare for being this far along and with the vast amount present.

This is my God!

My miracle working, while I rest and wait and not take back what I left at the foot of the cross, God!

Inadequate words of gratefulness for your gracious words and appreciated prayers! Thank you, kind friends!

Thank you, merciful God!


(This Is My God! ~ Part 1)

In Christ

Typically, I stop by this place each morning. Not to read the posts...as I am already quite familiar with what is written here. :) No, I enjoy the music. So I click on this place and open the music that ministers to my heart as I wake up, check emails, the weather report, the news stories and visit other places I enjoy with my cup of tea in hand.

This morning, I found the following verse waiting for me from the sidebar link that posts a new scripture here daily.

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Another reminder from the Father, perfectly chosen, perfectly placed for me to read today.

This most recent walk I’ve been asked to take has grown more difficult in recent days. My body has decided to take the “a-typical” route and has complicated what was already complicated enough.

I am trying not to ask God “why?”

I am, however, asking Him what He wants me to see in the process. I am asking Him what He wants me to learn—deeper trust, perseverance, faith, peace in the process, ??? I am trying to hear His voice in the decision making process as I trust myself and my body to Him.

I am trying not to be frustrated, to fear, or to “feel” abandoned.

Emotions are real and I am that! :) But I refuse to allow satan any ground in my life as a result of choosing paths of perceived self preservation based on my emotional response to the situation.

I am reminding myself that God’s previous grace giftings to me were not imagined. They were real and His presence is real even though, for now, I am growing weary of what else is very real in my life right now.

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

I continue to rejoice in the truth that another soul from my womb now resides in the Kingdom!

I pray and lay my requests at the feet of mercy—yes, I lay this newest burden at the feet of the cross.

I give thanks for this opportunity to experience His lavish love for me! I give thanks for further proof that He is and so is my faith—authentic!

For all this experience entangled is God’s will for me.

I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to understand it. I just believe this is His will and I walk His will knowing that I am passionately loved and mightily supported.

For the first time, truly, in my life—I know that I am not alone. He made that perfectly, miraculously and powerfully clear to me.

I walk, I pray, I wait, I rest in His merciful embrace.

Sometimes it is an embrace that I can feel. Sometimes it is an embrace that I simply believe in.

Through these days I have come to know more surely than ever before that my feelings cannot be trusted. Nothing can take me from His great love—nothing—ever! This is not just something I choose to believe, it is a fact that has been powerfully proven to me in an experience that normally would have sent me reeling into silent despair and self pity. (Trust me...I know me! :)

What wondrous love...

This love is not just for me. It is for and towards each one who purposely and regularly bows the knee in obedience to the Savior—Jesus Christ.

“Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

I pray that in the midst of whatever walk the Father has taken you on that you too are always rejoicing, ceaselessly praying and constantly giving thanks while trusting in His goodness. That “this”—whatever the “this” is—IS His will for you...you who are in Christ Jesus.

And that is what makes all the difference in the world!

Christ is in me and I am in Him. I am sealed in the Spirit. I have His resurrection power! Now I walk in the light of it!

“I shall lead the blind by a road they do not know, by paths they do not know I shall conduct them. I shall turn the darkness into light before them and the quagmires into solid ground. This I shall do—without fail.” Isaiah 42:16 (JEB)

God Named Him Peter

We walked this same path of loss, although differently, over 5 years ago now.

My house was empty, but for baby Faith and myself. The older ones in settled places for the day. We had been asked to care for the booth of a wonderful, godly company at the local homeschool conference. It was my husband’s birthday.

I had not even known the dear, little one existed.

I had no idea that I was partnering once more with the hand of our Creator God to form fleshly housing for spiritual soul.

As I think back this week, the experience is so fresh in my memory.

I can still feel today the presence of my Jesus with me that day. He was so powerfully real to me that morning. I sensed His Spirit stronger than almost any other time in my life.

That is, until now...

My first encounter with baby was encountered with Love at my side!

Disbelief. Shock. Cries of agony. Awestruck wonder! As I held the lifeless babe in my shaking hands.

Fear. Questions. Deep sadness. Unknown grief! As I begged God to tell me what to do!

I heard—not audibly—but still so loudly in my right ear that I was sure the entire world could hear, “It’s okay. __e’s with Me.” Instantly, a rush of peace washed over my body.

That quickly, I was a mother once more. That quickly, I was saying goodbye. That quickly, I was changed forever.

Life and death have a way of doing that. They forever alter our lives.

Several years later, I was hurting over this loss of life. I had so little time. I could barely believe that this life was, while simultaneously realizing it was no longer.

There had been no celebration. No stick with pink lines. No fun, creative way of letting hubby in on the secret God and I shared. There wasn’t any morning...afternoon...evening sickness to excitedly complain about.

There had been nothing.

Nothing but those few, short, overwhelming moments.

While reliving this pain, I asked my God for mercy. “Would you please, God. Please tell me. Was my baby a boy or a girl?” (When He had spoken to me that morning, there was no definite “h” or “sh” before the “e” in the words of comfort that He gave to me). Immediately, before the prayer had completed the question, I heard in that same ear as the day of our initial meeting—“Boy”.

I began to cry and shake uncontrollably.

Could I be so selfish, could I make just one more request? “Please God, what is his name?” Again, just as quickly; again, in the same ear. The name resounded boldly, “Peter”.

“Peter?”

~Peter McKay~ never appeared on any baby name list that we had ever put together.

I knew the name had to be from God. I chuckled, I laughed, I cried, I sobbed. I knew with all my heart that God had just told me my baby—my child fully alive in His presence—was named Peter!

I rushed to the book shelf holding “The Name Book”. I knew the name Peter meant “rock” from our Peter from the Bible. But could there be something else? I just felt God had more for me than that...and He did!

Turning to the page in the book this is what I found:

PETER; from the Bible; Language/Cultural origin: Greek; Inherent Meaning: Rock; Spiritual Connotation: Powerful faith; Scripture: Matthew 16:18 “And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the powers of death shall not prevail against it.”

“the powers of death shall not prevail”

Soothing words that day! Soothing words this day!

The powers of death shall not prevail.

Death’s power, death’s hold, death’s sting was broken forever by the blood of our Jesus as His life was poured out upon the cross of Calvary.

Jesus prevailed then. Jesus will prevail “in the day of the Lord”. Jesus prevails today.

And because there IS Jesus—death is no longer, necessarily, for eternity.

For our Peter, and this newest little one, eternity has only begun. They are fully alive and in the presence of our prevailing Jesus.

Today, I can say with sincere honesty, I would not wish them back here!

They are where I long to be. They are with the One I breathe for. Their joy is unspeakable and full of glory. They never tire of exclaiming “Holy, holy, holy is He!”

My mommy heart wonders if they have found each other. :) I can’t help but think they have.

Do they think on me? Do they know how much I think of them? Love them? Do they know how I long for the day I will be with them, knowing them and in the presence of Him?

Heaven seems closer to me than ever today.

Because of them. Because of Him.

Snapshots of Grace

Several sweet notes—hesitating to ask, desiring to know how to pray...

"Is the wait over?"

With heavy sigh... “no”...

I cancelled my appointment at the hospital for yesterday. I am ignoring calls from my doctor and some pre-op receptionist from same hospital. (I can be stubborn like that... :)

My body is at work on God’s timetable, not my doctor’s.

So I wait.

My heart is not as heavy in the wait as it once was.

It is still difficult. It is still painful. It is still not a path I would have chosen to walk.

But I am surrounded by overwhelming grace...

Amazing grace of precious, found stone beside my Easter stone

and...

Healing grace note from smallest of Jesus sharing friends.

Grace led ocean journey...albeit a chilly one... :)

First time drivers taking on sand and...horse riders, kite flyers, clam diggers and stick fetchers...(more work with Nate in keeping us out of the water. He kept saying the Suburban wanted to "drive the ocean!")

All is grace!

Always

I have "always" loved this song. Today I embrace the words more fully, for they are more fully known!




You are good always
And in all ways
You are working all things
Together for our good
You are good always
In big and small ways
I know I can trust You
In everything You do

With the hard winds of life
Blowing out of control
It can feel like I'm all on my own
But You've given me Your word
And I know You'll never leave
And I've never faced a single storm alone

I can't say it's always
Been a smooth open road
Or turned out the way I'd prefer
But one thing I'm sure of
You've been faithful to me
And I live to give You all that You deserve

Grace!

My life is suspended by death.

God has lovingly placed me in a grace “bubble” of sorts. I sense His Spirit. I stay reminded of my miraculous walk yesterday. My grief lessens as my heart embraces my little one being present in God’s presence.

But the truth remains.

I am carrying death!

I had forgotten to pack my little blue sleep helper on our rush to escape to the ocean. :) That, coupled with an uncomfortable sleeping arrangement which included Jelena’s elbow in my ear, kept me up most of the night.

Most of it was spent talking to God—go figure...

And most of the talking was asking for His mercy to release this body solely by the effort of my own body.

From the signs I have been given, the time is near.

But I had to pause and reflect on what has become excruciatingly difficult for me today.

The place of my living body that couples with the Creator God to create life is currently holding death.

Six times God brought forth life from the same sacred, secret place that I am begging Him now to deliver death.

My mind immediately rushes to Psalm 139 where all of the beautiful verses reside in relation to how God fashions and forms us in the womb.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
Psalm 139:13-16a

This is what my heart struggles with today. This place. This beautiful, uniquely precious, one-of-a-kind, life-giving, God-creating workshop now seems darkened to me somehow!

I consider the verses that follow with my heart completely sold-out on the truth that my baby’s life was a completed life!

And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.
Psalm 139:16b-18

(Since beginning this writing my God, my gracious Abba Father, has once again given me a precious grace gift that simply overwhelms me as my fingers press the keyboard!)

I read these verses now, not from my own perspective, but from that of my precious child’s.

“In God’s book was written that I would only have these precious few days ordained to me. God was not surprised at all by the shortness of my time. Before the first cell of me was created, thus beginning my first day, He knew all of my days would be spent in my mother’s womb. All of my ordained days were to be spent in constant company with my mother and with my Creator. How precious God’s thoughts MUST be of me! That He would take the time to fearfully and wonderfully form, fashion and create me for such a short time as I was given. How precious I must be! How loved I must be by my God! His thoughts of me while working with my being would outnumber the sands of the sea if I were to count them. I am now fully awake and I am with Him! He never left me while forming me and now my days of eternity with Him have only begun.”

Such beauty from ashes! Such light from the darkness!

And yes, He does touch on that in this Psalm as well...

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me
And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psalm 139:11, 12


Heavenly Father, how do I even begin to thank you...to praise you...for the light you have given me this night! I began this piece of writing with such heaviness of heart. I felt so compelled to sit and honestly put out on this blank screen the darkness that threatened to drown me once more. Nothing in Your hands goes unredeemed. Your grace has once more poured lavishly upon me. My gratitude is inadequate as my heart leaps from within and my tears freely flow. You have redeemed my grief and once again replaced my sorrow with great joy. I am washed afresh in your restorative peace.

My eyes see anew the verses from the opening of that very same Psalm...

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
You knew how my heart would be struggling today.


2 You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You know my thoughts even when they are unclear to me!


3 You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.
When you send me to the ocean and bring me home again. When I call to You, cry to You, sing to You, try to hide from You.


4 You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.
You know what I am going to write, even before I write it, Lord.


5 You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Your grace surrounds—comforting and supporting me. I know Your touch!


6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
I am in the midst of experiencing You, and yet, this is all too wonderful, too great for me to comprehend!


7 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
You are always where I am! My feelings do not nullify nor do they ratify this point. I am never without You!


8 If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.
In Life and in death. You are there!


9 If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
If I lay in a doctor’s office, if I ride alone in a car, if I rest and wait at home, if I follow You on a walk. And yes—if I journey to the ocean!


10 even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.
My Shepherd and my Salvation! My Refuge and my Rock!

This Is My God!

While sitting on the deck swing with Nate this afternoon, I felt led to go on a walk. By myself. Just me, myself and I. :) This ticked a few little people off (since they typically accompany me) but they survived and off I went.

My first encounter with God on this walk involved my iPod shuffle.

Now if you are not familiar with these little darlin’s, they pick up where you last left off. Whatever song you were in the middle of when you turned it off is where it starts playing next time you turn it on. So my feet started up our gravel lane and music began to sing in my ear.

The song that came up playing was at a part in the chorus, must have been towards the end, where the singers just kept singing the same words over and over and over again. You know, like when your worship leader at church gets stuck on the repeat button of a chorus. :) Yep, like that.

“Better is one day in your house, better is one day in your courts, better is one day in your house—than thousands elsewhere!”

No, I’m not kidding. In fact, I even asked God that. Out loud!

“God, are You kidding me?”

I sobbed and sang for what must have been close to 2 minutes (considering how far I walked during that time). Sobbing, singing, arms raised high, face to the sun—overwhelmed by His love, His merciful love as the words repeated over and over and over again.

I heard Him singing directly to my heart, “better is one day here with Me, Robin, than thousands of days down there!”

“Oh yes, God! I know, I know!”

Song ended and I pushed the button for it to replay.

No one will believe this, but I tell you the truth...the song had no long, drawn out ending as it did before!

Same iPod. Same song. Same singers. Different ending. Now what does one say to that?!

This is my God!

Every single song that played during this hour long walk was one of praise or one that ministered greatly to my heart. It was like God Himself hand-picked each and every song that played for me today.

True, every song on my iPod is a praise or worship song, but I’ll tell you—there were songs played for me today that I NEVER heard before. Every single one made my heart sing.

This is my God!

The next thing God did may not make much sense to you, but meant everything in the world to me!

I found a smooth, polished, white stone right in my pathway.

This past Easter, our family put together an Easter Tree and spent several days going over different verses of scripture, thoughts and prayers leading us up to Resurrection Sunday. On Easter morning, I presented every family member with a smooth, polished, white stone. This stone represented victory and heaven’s purity, with a new name written on it. (Revelation 2:17)

There was more involved with this stone for Easter, but the reading ended with—feel your white stone and imagine having written upon it “Child of Mine”.

In the middle of nowhere (and believe me, I live in no typical housing development) I found on gravel and tar road a white stone EXACTLY like the kind that I passed out to my other children on Easter morning.

This is my God!

As one song was playing and I was singing praise—actually choking on cries and trying to sing—I heard “Don’t stay home waiting. Go to the ocean.”

Huh?

Waiting has been on my mind. Feeling restless here at home has been real. But believe me when I say, the ocean was completely off my radar screen.

So......(hah! :)...I am borrowing money from Brianne’s savings account :) and taking my kiddos to the ocean. (Hubby and oldest son are in Idaho until Sunday).

THIS IS SO NOT ME!

BUT THIS IS MY GOD!

It's All Grace

Sadness can sink deep. Grief can be consuming.

I was grasping at these given responses to human suffering as if they were my hope. As if they would help me survive this heart ache.

Satan enjoys nothing more than when the children of God despair...losing hope and confidence in Him.

To believe He is unbelievable. To lose faith in all His faithfulness.

I have followed satan there before.

As I caught (by grace) my misery becoming self focused and overwhelming, I cried out to God (what grace!). Laying my pain at the foot of the cross (saving grace), I asked that He reveal Himself (grace again) in the midst of my hurt.

He is so generous to me...

Throughout my yesterday, God unveiled simple snapshots of His grace towards me. And you know what?

It’s ALL grace!


Being reminded of when God asked my husband and me to trust Him with whomever He wanted to place in our family. That He asked us. A gift of grace.

Successful vasectomy reversal. A gift of grace.

Faith Charis (the New Testament word for “grace”) McKay—age 6. A gift of grace.

Baby born straight into heaven—5 years ago now. A gift of grace.

Jelena Joy McKay—age 4. A gift of grace.

Nathaniel LaVern McKay—age 2. A gift of grace.

The retreat I was able to attend last month when I couldn’t afford it. A gift of grace.

The last minute replacement speaker who spoke words straight to my heart. “Every child given you by the Lord in your 40’s is a great blessing!” A gift of grace.

Being confronted with my sin—fear and unbelief—which had poisoned my response to my pregnancy. A gift of grace.

The speakers other words shared that day, “every miscarried baby lived a complete life!” A gift of grace.

Hearing those words in my ear as I watched my baby’s lifeless form on the screen. A gift of grace.

The cell phone call to my husband who is working in a different state. A gift of grace.

The protected, 45 minute drive from doctor’s office to my church sanctuary amidst uncontrollable sobs of grief. A gift of grace.

Reaching my place of refuge (where I have run to for 20 years!) to crumble at the feet of Jesus. A gift of grace.

My hour in darkened sanctuary to rest, to cry, to just be with my Jesus. A gift of grace.

The reaction expressed by my children when I shared with them about our loss. A gift of grace.

Finding the pregnancy stick with two pink lines to keep in keepsake box. A gift of grace.

The words of hope* God gave me as I finally drifted off to sleep that first night. A gift of grace.

Having a place, this place, to attempt to gather all the words—thoughts—feelings—roaring within. A gift of grace.

The phone call from a friend sending love and promising prayers. A gift of grace.

The sound of another concerned friend’s voice on my answering machine. A gift of grace.

Loving email from sister. A gift of grace.

The words God shared to console my daughter who consoled her mother by sharing the same words. A gift of grace.

The sweet email from a friend asking me to receive God’s hand of love extended to me thru her gift of a meal for our family. A gift of grace.

Other emails from other friends, grieving alongside me. A gift of grace.

The precious reminder of how the body of Christ truly is an extension of our Jesus! A gift of grace.

A lovely written prayer full of words my own heart accompanied in prayer—“yes, sweet Jesus, enjoy this newest one in Your presence as I know you are!” A gift of grace.

“To be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.” 2 Corinthians 5:8. A gift of grace.

The handmade card drawn by the small daughter of a friend with the words—“Your baby is happy up in heaven”. A sweet, sweet gift of grace!

Knowing that it is true! I will one day join this sweet babe, and his or her brother, and I will KNOW them both as we stand together in the presence of my Jesus! A phenomenal gift of grace!


Yesterday morning I was feeling such sadness, such sorrow, that I could not feel God’s love and His grace.

The day grew sweeter as He reminded me--in various ways--His love is real and His joy can be known in the midst of great pain. Not only real joy, but real peace as well.

Only our God is capable of that!

As I wait for my body to release this baby, I cling to the truth that this life was complete. Although it is extremely hard, I keep coming back to it.

I was not cheated out of mothering this baby. I mothered this little one for all the time God had planned for him or her. What an honor and a blessing.

And only because of grace!

Because...It is ALL grace!


*Psalm 62:5-8
My soul, wait in silence for God only,
For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.

I Wait

Another day.

Another day and I wait.

I wait to pass a dead baby.

Everyone else’s world keeps turning. Going through the day as they normally would.

Stopping for groceries. Stopping for gas. Stopping to play at the park.

My world has just stopped!

I couldn’t even make my kids lunch. Dinner was leftovers (my husband is gone until Sunday). I don’t remember now what they had for breakfast.

My life is on hold while I wait for my body to release a dead baby.

This hurts incredibly!

I ache deeply and feel an empty nothingness—simultaneously.

Sometimes we get to feel God’s love and support in the midst of pain. Sometimes He just feels absent.

I know He is here. I know He is walking with me—carrying me even. Yet, I don’t feel Him.

I don’t feel His love. I don’t feel His mercy. I don’t feel His grace. I don’t sense Him at all.

I remind myself that feelings are deceptive.

I still choose to believe He is here. I choose to believe the height, depth, width, and span of His love. But the experiential type of “know” that is part of that Ephesian verse? Well, all I “know” at this moment and most of yesterday is silence and aloneness.

I am not angry. I am not bitter. I don't feel cheated.

I am thanking Him for allowing me to hold this little one and mother from the womb once more, if only for a short time. To do so has been an honor and a blessing.

I am worshipping Him. Singing praises and songs of His faithfulness back to Him.

All the while, I try to keep my head above water in a pool of sadness with no sign of life ring or lifeguard.

That is the reality that is right now.

The girls dress as princesses, bake in their kitchen and play on the swing set. Nate builds blocks, reads books to himself and gets dirty. Brianne goes to her job then starts a new class at church. Jacob goes to art class and then helps at church. Jesse helps at a church service club, plays with his band and teaches younger kids how to make balloon animals with Jacob.

And I try to keep myself together.

I drop a child off where he needs to be, but don't stop at the park for the other children to play. I just can't. I can't smile at the other moms and kids.

I try not to cry. I don’t answer the phone. I rotate and fold laundry. But I can’t plan lessons. I can’t read a book. I can’t relax. And without a little blue pill, I can’t even sleep.

I still believe everything I shared yesterday morning.

But I am still human. I still hold this baby in my body. And I still want more than anything to be able to mother this child outside the womb.

But I don’t get to.

So I wait.

This is real. This is hard. And this hurts.

But He is still good!

He is good! Always!

He is Good! Always!

What was that little note that I commented on just Monday—just 2 days ago? Hmmm...Settled faith.

I had just come across that line at the top of my writing during my morning reading time. My thoughts kind of took off with it and what you read was just a simple reminder to myself. Or so it seemed.

Then came Tuesday...

The pressing began with bleeding when there shouldn’t be. A newly forming soul was being fashioned, knitted together in the secret place. Far enough along now, or so I thought, so as not to worry.

Doctor alongside technology looked for the little one. Little one was found.

I’ve laid on the table many times. I know where the tiny, flashing, lighted spot is to be. The life spot—the heart. We found only stillness.

Motionless tranquility breaking my own heart.

There was no dancing and spinning to make me smile. My baby was just floating in the waters.

My heart ceased its own beating until I felt it reverberating in my head, throat and chest so loud and wild that I thought it would burst from my body.

I’ve been down this road before. Differently, but the same road. The pressing comes fresh.

Do I still trust in God’s goodness and love for me? Do I still believe that He cares how much this hurts—that He understands how difficult this walk is to take? Do I still want to keep taking chances and agree to trust Him as He asked us to almost 8 years ago now “to give us who He wanted to be in our family”? Even if it is only for a little while?

My thoughts never considered on Monday the news I’d receive on Tuesday.

I reread my Monday thoughts once more. I check my faith once more. It’s not the same. Even though it has only been a difference of 2 short days. Amidst the pain, there is growth.

There are four things I believe, without doubt...

First of all, God is good ALL the time and He has been so very good to us. We know He will continue to be so as we walk through this.

Secondly, I believe this life was as complete in God’s eyes as anyone else’s! Including my 87 year old grandmothers!

Thirdly, (as was shared to me by our eldest daughter and revealed to her by the Spirit as she cried out to God)—this soul is more alive now than we even are! We are dying by the second, by the inch. This life, our baby, is fully alive and in the presence of the Lord!

And finally, we are sure that we will learn things, see Him, grow in ways we never could have had this baby not come into our lives for this very short visit.

Proven faith—it’s what I desire, what I ask God for. How can I oppose the pressing to prove authentication?

We are sad and disappointed—that is the truth! But we are comforted by the fact that God hears our prayers, our cries, and that He has captured each of our tears in His bottle—each and every one! They are that important to Him!

May I ask you for your prayers on my behalf? Would you please pray and ask God to assist my body in releasing baby quickly. My doctor wants to be patient, but she has her own thoughts as to when a more intrusive route should be taken than what I have in mind.

I thank you for praying and thinking on me, friends and sisters!

He is good! Always!