Friday, April 24, 2009

It's All Grace

Sadness can sink deep. Grief can be consuming.

I was grasping at these given responses to human suffering as if they were my hope. As if they would help me survive this heart ache.

Satan enjoys nothing more than when the children of God despair...losing hope and confidence in Him.

To believe He is unbelievable. To lose faith in all His faithfulness.

I have followed satan there before.

As I caught (by grace) my misery becoming self focused and overwhelming, I cried out to God (what grace!). Laying my pain at the foot of the cross (saving grace), I asked that He reveal Himself (grace again) in the midst of my hurt.

He is so generous to me...

Throughout my yesterday, God unveiled simple snapshots of His grace towards me. And you know what?

It’s ALL grace!

Being reminded of when God asked my husband and me to trust Him with whomever He wanted to place in our family. That He asked us. A gift of grace.

Successful vasectomy reversal. A gift of grace.

Faith Charis (the New Testament word for “grace”) McKay—age 6. A gift of grace.

Baby born straight into heaven—5 years ago now. A gift of grace.

Jelena Joy McKay—age 4. A gift of grace.

Nathaniel LaVern McKay—age 2. A gift of grace.

The retreat I was able to attend last month when I couldn’t afford it. A gift of grace.

The last minute replacement speaker who spoke words straight to my heart. “Every child given you by the Lord in your 40’s is a great blessing!” A gift of grace.

Being confronted with my sin—fear and unbelief—which had poisoned my response to my pregnancy. A gift of grace.

The speakers other words shared that day, “every miscarried baby lived a complete life!” A gift of grace.

Hearing those words in my ear as I watched my baby’s lifeless form on the screen. A gift of grace.

The cell phone call to my husband who is working in a different state. A gift of grace.

The protected, 45 minute drive from doctor’s office to my church sanctuary amidst uncontrollable sobs of grief. A gift of grace.

Reaching my place of refuge (where I have run to for 20 years!) to crumble at the feet of Jesus. A gift of grace.

My hour in darkened sanctuary to rest, to cry, to just be with my Jesus. A gift of grace.

The reaction expressed by my children when I shared with them about our loss. A gift of grace.

Finding the pregnancy stick with two pink lines to keep in keepsake box. A gift of grace.

The words of hope* God gave me as I finally drifted off to sleep that first night. A gift of grace.

Having a place, this place, to attempt to gather all the words—thoughts—feelings—roaring within. A gift of grace.

The phone call from a friend sending love and promising prayers. A gift of grace.

The sound of another concerned friend’s voice on my answering machine. A gift of grace.

Loving email from sister. A gift of grace.

The words God shared to console my daughter who consoled her mother by sharing the same words. A gift of grace.

The sweet email from a friend asking me to receive God’s hand of love extended to me thru her gift of a meal for our family. A gift of grace.

Other emails from other friends, grieving alongside me. A gift of grace.

The precious reminder of how the body of Christ truly is an extension of our Jesus! A gift of grace.

A lovely written prayer full of words my own heart accompanied in prayer—“yes, sweet Jesus, enjoy this newest one in Your presence as I know you are!” A gift of grace.

“To be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.” 2 Corinthians 5:8. A gift of grace.

The handmade card drawn by the small daughter of a friend with the words—“Your baby is happy up in heaven”. A sweet, sweet gift of grace!

Knowing that it is true! I will one day join this sweet babe, and his or her brother, and I will KNOW them both as we stand together in the presence of my Jesus! A phenomenal gift of grace!

Yesterday morning I was feeling such sadness, such sorrow, that I could not feel God’s love and His grace.

The day grew sweeter as He reminded me--in various ways--His love is real and His joy can be known in the midst of great pain. Not only real joy, but real peace as well.

Only our God is capable of that!

As I wait for my body to release this baby, I cling to the truth that this life was complete. Although it is extremely hard, I keep coming back to it.

I was not cheated out of mothering this baby. I mothered this little one for all the time God had planned for him or her. What an honor and a blessing.

And only because of grace!

Because...It is ALL grace!

*Psalm 62:5-8
My soul, wait in silence for God only,

For my hope is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
My stronghold; I shall not be shaken.
On God my salvation and my glory rest;
The rock of my strength, my refuge is in God.
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.