It’s About the Lies

That big fear of mine?  It didn’t just come about as my children came of age!

My fear of failing as a mother grew as they grew.

My fear of failing God in my mothering grew as the evidence stacked against me.

What I have learned of our enemy is that he is not creative—he doesn’t have to be.  He just has to know human nature.  And he does.  He has studied us for years.  He plays off our weaknesses . . . which he’s figured out while watching us be mistreated over the years.  

Sinful people have sinned against us.  

Hurting people have hurt us.

And we've reacted.

He saw this young, naïve, hurting-for-attention girl get duped by a man in spiritual authority over her.  And the spin he fed her thoughts was that she was a failure to God. 

Had he—had anyone—spoken those words to her at the time, she would never have agreed.

“Jesus loves me, this I KNOW!” 

But seeds only grow when they are nurtured.  And there is enough sun, water and fertilizer in this world to give the fields of failure a bumper crop!

And in me—the harvest was bountiful.

“How have I failed Thee . . . let me count the ways!”

At age 13, the field was plowed.

In my 40’s, I discovered the field flourishing.

We can deny we are in a battle all we want.  It does not change the facts.  We are.  In a battle!

The battle is real. 

And it is fierce. 

The costs are high. 

Spoils for either side. 

Souls!

I thought all these insecure thoughts were my own!

Not realizing I had a REAL enemy!  An enemy willing to take advantage of my hurt!

I believe now the lie he fed me then was, “You failed God.”

And as I grew older the lie grew with me to, “You will always fail God!”

Every time I did something wrong, or said something dumb, or didn’t accomplish something expected, or made a disaster of something—that failure got filed in the box labeled with the original lie.

Time goes by.  Years accumulate.  Failures rise.

Babies are born.  Children grow.  Young adults now stand before me.

And I realize my fear has frozen me.

Can there be enough grace to save the children of such a failure like me?

How could I imagine raising godly children for the Kingdom?

How could I ever foster a close-knit, loving home?

How could I hope to ever win my children’s hearts to myself—let alone God???

I am a failure to God!

I will surely fail at the biggest task He could ever ask me to do!

So the lie goes . . . Until . . . 

The darkness collides with Light.  

The lie exposed.  

The access point revealed.  

The repentance of sins and renouncing of untruths.

Not only is the forgiveness sweet, but something big implodes within!

Satan’s control.

His lies are the epicenter of his control within our soul—our minds, wills and emotions!

When Satan's lies are exposed, 

his power over us implodes!

So what lies have you believed?

What version of the truth has our enemy fed you?

What hurt from long ago could have given access to thoughts now tormenting you?

Maybe today is the day to ask, seek and knock!

Maybe today is your day for the chains to fall free!

I Have a Fear—A Deep Fear of Failing as a Mom!

I fear I have or I will fail my children.

I fear I have or I will fail God in raising them.

I fear—

What I do or don’t do . . .

What I say or don’t say . . .

What I allow or don’t allow . . .
I fear—

If the “whatever” is not received well by them that in rejecting me, my advice, my council, or my perspective of what is “best for them” . . . 

I fear they will reject God.

I fear they will reject God and it will be because of my failure to mother them well. 

However “well” looks for each of them as individuals.

This is fresh revelation, but I have seen its evidence.

There are so many things in this life that just. don’t. matter!

Loving my children well is not one of them.

I am crazy gone over my kids!

As much as I’d like to take their choice away, I can’t!

Just as grace drew me to my knees as a 20-something, tired-out, masquerading, Christ-following fake . . . 

so grace must draw each one of them.

How I wish I had control!

But I don’t.

All I can do is— 

love them,

pray for them,

discipline them,

while discipling them

the best I can with— 

what they will receive, 

what they will listen to, 

with only the wisdom & understanding grace has gifted up to today.

No one can go back.

There are no do-over’s in parenting.

Regret threatens to devour my sanity!

As I cling to my Redeemer—

He loves, 

He prays, 

He disciplines, 

and He disciples me 

all the while redeeming— 

my mistakes, 

my sins, 

my poor choices, 

my “woulda-coulda-shoulda’s” 

and “if only’s”.

Nothing escapes Him.

Nothing is unredeemable for Him.

Nothing reaches beyond His touch.

Fear cannot coincide with Christ! 

So I repent and let healing waters of forgiveness rush my soul.

This freedom of forgiveness deepens trust.

Only He can save.

I cannot.

I can release!

I can trust!

I can pray!

I can rebuke!

I can battle!

I can encourage!

I can challenge!

I can correct!

I can question!
I can love!

I can Mother my best and trust God for the rest—cheesy, but truth!

"Thank you, Jesus, that fear is not my destiny—only my chains.  It was for freedom that You came—for me as well as for my children.  In the power and authority of your name and in your blood, please break these chains threatening to overtake my joy, my hope . . . my peace.  You love them so much more than I.  You love perfect.  Thank you for perfect love casting out all fear!  You know my hopes, my dreams, my prayers for them—and I know they are safe within Your care.  Abba, I love you!  Abba, I belong to you!  Abba, I trust you!  Abba, You are enough!  In this.  In everything.  You are enough!  Amen."

Do you have a fear threatening your faith today?




{Continued in this post on how Satan feeds our thoughts lies . . .}

The Difference In Lists

In April, 2009, I wrote the following article for Above Rubies magazine; Issue 76.  I came across it the other day and . . . well . . . got sorta smacked in the face.  Today I share it with you as a reminder to us both of what is important in our lives—time spent in relationship with those we love!

Deep blessings and peace as you walk with Jesus,
Robin

“It is not how much you do,
But how much love you put in the doing”

Mother Theresa’s words got me thinking. We women are famous for our daunting “could never accomplish in three days let alone one” TO DO lists. What if, instead of making a list at the beginning of the day of all that needs to get accomplished, we turn it around a bit? What if we made a list at the end of the day of all the “unseen” acts of love? I believe this list would be more telling as to how productive the day actually was.

Imagine the following…it won’t be much of a stretch, I promise :

• kissed and bandaged an invisible “owie”
• read baby his favorite book seven times
• held my tongue when the boys traipsed mud through the house after digging up all the flower bulbs along the front walkway
• officiated over a toilet funeral for the beloved goldfish
• sang a song and smiled each time a diaper was changed—that would have been 27 times
• lovingly rocked and soothed a little one cutting teeth
• spent all night cleaning up vomit since all the children decided to share their germs with one another
• made Daddy’s favorite dinner
• gently combed the tangles out of daughters hair
• softly, calmly soothed an autistic son as his frustration began to escalate
• fulfilled a request made by hubby that seemed unimportant
• stayed on top of the day’s lessons although feeling mentally spent
• set down the day’s lessons recognizing tensions were high over that math concept
• lovingly picked up a crabby baby who really should have napped longer, knowing it was going to be a long evening
• forgot about needing a shower and smelled in the sweet aroma of the new baby
• asked for forgiveness after being too quickly bothered by an act of childishness
• disciplined rightly, lovingly and firmly when an infraction of God’s or house rules occurred
• played a game instead of spending those few precious “free” minutes in a book
• got off the computer when wanting to “surf” a little longer, knowing it had been enough
• baked chocolate chip cookies and let everyone have a spoon of dough
• started up a pillow fight
• listened intently to older son explain how something works that you have little to no interest in
• opened ears and closed mouth when older daughter wanted to “talk”
• gratefully accepted a bouquet of dandelions (or swamp grass :)
• drove to Homeschool Co-op when wanting to stay in the bathrobe all day
• danced with either Prince Charming or Cinderella
• graciously accepted tea and crumpets served on plastic dishes, resembling water and stale crackers
• read a book to kids old enough to read to themselves
• made popcorn for family movie night
• cheerfully helped with a science project knowing a big mess was awaiting in the end
• drove a child to the Special Olympics event and cheered for everyone
• laughed when really wanting to cry

We still need that TO DO list. It keeps us focused, on track and accomplishing those things that are our responsibility. Maybe we could add to the top of that list, after the word “do”, the words “in God’s time”. Offering up our time to God (Psalm 32:15) to be used as He desires is a beautiful act of worship (Romans 12:1).

I’m going to make my list tonight and I encourage you to do the same. I think you’ll be amazed to see how much love you put in your doing today even if it looks like not much got done. Similarly, if you don’t have a lot to add to that LOVE list but you got a lot accomplished from the day’s TO DO list, keep that in mind when writing out the next day’s list. Maybe “love a little bit more” should be at the top of that one.

Just a thought...

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Embracing Change

A child presses a bouquet of dandelions and grass into my hands as I watch another drive away—her car filled to capacity with belongings.  She drives up the lane with her Dad quick behind in the truck full of furniture that once filled her Great Grandmother’s home.

My heart is full.  My throat pinched to the point of choking.

I was not prepared when she joined our home. 

I am not prepared as she leaves.

Twenty minutes later I am answering the doorbell pressed by a handsome, brown-haired and brown-eyed little man.  This time I receive a wishing flower (known to most as a seeded dandelion).  I watch my next oldest drive up the lane with a wave of the hand through the open car window.  He is off to take the entrance test for acceptance to the local college education program for High Schoolers.

Excitement, pride, sadness—a tangling of emotions brim and spill.

A conversation I remember having with myself comes to mind.  As a young Mama of 3 little ones who now stand taller than my 5’8” frame, I vowed to mother in such a way that I would never look back with regret.

Today . . . I fight feelings of failure in wrappings of regret. 

Unfortunately, we not only parent in our strengths but out of our weaknesses, hurts, woundings and habitual emotional responses formed over the years to compensate for or deal with those issues that press our buttons of insecurity, rejection, fear, inadequacy and unworthiness.

Can I ask for a do-over?

I know I could do it better—maybe?

—if I could try again with what I know now . . . 

who I am now . . . 

how God has healed me . . . 

now . . .

In walks grace.  How grateful I am for grace.

I have loved & mothered the best I knew with the best & worst of me. 

I have brought them all to Jesus’ lap the only way I knew how.

I have failed to mother perfectly, but I have loved deeply, faithfully

 . . . with a forever-stuck-with-me-cheering-you-on tenacity.

A little bit of the enemy, a little bit of the flesh mingle to stir up a lot of anxiety.  I take authority over my mind and all thoughts contrary to Christ.  

Christ!  

My Savior who saves my failings.  

My Redeemer who redeems my mistakes.

  

The One the grave could not hold, holds me while resurrecting all lack.  He holds my heart, lifts my head, smiles on me wide while washing away all regret with glorious hope!

The season of parenting my older ones fades into the next.  
Will I do well? 

I will pray for them more than I ever have. 

I will fight for them in the spiritual realm. 

I will like them like crazy!

The one who has become my live-in friend and accountability partner returns for the last of her things.  While waiting for her Dad she plays my favorite song on her harp.  I sit on the floor in the dark hallway to listen.  I grieve the end of this time with her.  Nineteen years have gone fast.  Much too fast!

Mixed up thoughts mix with littles calling me to the fire-pit for roasting marshmallows.  The middle-little has a sliver in her foot.  I go to them knowing their years alongside me will also pass quickly for this mother-heart. 

Embrace the dandelions. 

Embrace the change. 

Embrace the vital. 

Embrace the moments that make the lifetime.

“I just know that the longer I parent the more I want to focus on doing a few things really well, and not get too passionate about all the rest. I want to spend time with my kids, teach them the Bible, take them to church, laugh with them, cry with them, discipline them when they disobey, say sorry when I mess up, and pray like crazy. I want them to look back and think, “I’m not sure what my parents were doing or if they even knew what they’re were doing. But I always knew my parents loved me and I knew they loved Jesus.” Maybe it’s not that complicated after all.”    Kevin DeYoung

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Why Do We Withhold Love & Gratitude?

My refrigerator wears this white board dressed in black letters of love—

Simple! 

Simple thanks! 

Simplest of words conveying the grandest of messages!

I love you—I appreciate you—You mean much to me—

I am grateful for YOU!

It’s the being together, not the giving of gifts.

It’s the fellowship, not the food.

It’s the laughter, not the same stale stories or new.

It’s the love opened and poured out upon one another . . .

Like the perfume once filling a woman’s alabaster jar, the jar broken—extravagant perfume lavished upon the dirty feet of a Teacher, a Prophet, a Lover of sinners.  Her hair oiled in fragrance and tears wiped His feet with gratitude.  Unwelcome in that place, she found welcome at His feet.  She could not withhold her affection, her gratefulness . . . 

her love!

How then can I? 

For Jesus? 

For those around me? 

For those I live with? 

For those I sup with? 
For those I learn with?

For those I struggle with? 

For those who hurt me out of their own hurt? 

For those who don’t get me—and don’t try to? 

The words have lived on my board several days now.  A quick grab of the door to grab the juice and the words, once again, grab my heart. 

I am loved! 

I am wanted! 

I am appreciated!

I am significant to the lives around me!

I am grateful for the words given in gratitude for me!

Who among us does not need to hear such words!

Some times the words are easy to give, other times not.  But simple or difficult we don’t take the time to offer word gifts.  We don’t recognize the opportunity to love.  We don’t always look to see.  And even when we do—we don’t always act.  We withhold gracious love and heartfelt gratitude because it’s inconvenient, we’re busy or we are—simply, unwilling.

For you, dear Jesus, I promise to love and not withhold gratitude and affection.  Holy Spirit, only by your help and grace can I extend to others what I “feel” is withheld from me.  Out of love for you, Father—I will let it be known by words and deeds that I am grateful for this creation of Yours that bears their name!

. . . Amen!

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Praying For Your Children

1.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL KNOW CHRIST AS SAVIOR EARLY IN LIFE

O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Psalm 63:1

And that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 2 Timothy 3:15

2.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL HAVE A HATRED FOR SIN

Hate evil, you who love the LORD, who preserves the souls of His godly ones; He delivers them from the hand of the wicked.  Psalm 97:10

3.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL BE CAUGHT WHEN GUILTY

It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I may learn Your statutes.  Psalm 119:71

4.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL BE PROTECTED FROM THE EVIL ONE IN EACH AREA OF THEIR LIVES: SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, INTELLECTUALLY AND SOCIALLY

I do not ask You to take them out of the world, but to keep them from the evil one.  John 17:15

5.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL HAVE A RESPONSIBLE ATTITUDE IN ALL THEIR INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

Then this Daniel began distinguishing himself among the commissioners and satraps because he possessed an extraordinary spirit, and the king planned to appoint him over the entire kingdom.  Daniel 6:3

6.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL RESPECT PEOPLE IN AUTHORITY OVER THEM

Every person is to be in subjection to the governing authorities for there is no authority except from God, and those which exist are established by God.  Romans 13:1

7.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL DESIRE THE RIGHT KIND OF FRIENDS AND BE PROTECTED FROM THE WRONG FRIENDS

My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. My son, do not walk in the way with them. Keep your feet from their path.  Proverbs 1:10, 15

8.  PRAY THAT THEY, AS WELL AS THEIR FUTURE SPOUSE, WILL BE KEPT PURE

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?  For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.  1 Corinthians 6:19-20

9.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL BE KEPT FROM THE WRONG SPOUSE AND SAVED FOR THE RIGHT ONE

Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 2 Corinthians 6:14, 15

10.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL LEARN TO SUBMIT TOTALLY TO GOD AND ACTIVELY RESIST SATAN IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES

Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7

11.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL BE SINGLE-HEARTED, WILLING TO BE SOLD OUT TO JESUS CHRIST

I urge you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:1-2

12.  PRAY THAT THEY WILL BE HEDGED IN SO THEY CANNOT FIND THEIR WAY TO WRONG PEOPLE OR WRONG PLACES, AND THE WRONG PEOPLE CANNOT FIND THEIR WAY TO THEM

Therefore, behold, I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her so that she cannot find her paths. Hosea 2:6

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The Steps to Victory

I want a life of consistently walking in victory.  No edging into defeat or occasional weary weaknesses.  Is this even possible?  Walking a life that is consistently victorious in the midst of disappointment?

“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”  1 Co. 15:57

Yes—

when I rely on God for everything; 

when I trust in God for everything.  

Including outcomes!

I see defeat in little things.  God sees the little things as a little step on the path to great victory.  If I try to measure the success of each little step—I will surely be disappointed.  But when I trust Him from beginning to end of each of those steps taken, I will see just how victorious I am walking.

At times I get discouraged when little is shown for all the time and effort spent on some area of ministry or with a person.  This is why God wants us to release all outcomes to His care.  I am to learn from my time with Him and then again in what He shows me within the act of walking obediently the lesson He taught.  I am reminded that it is about me and God—our relationship.

Anything that comes as a result of my obedience is His 

and up to Him.

Results are not my life—Jesus is!  

“Christ who is your life” (Col. 3:4).

Victory is mine as I trust Him to initiate . . .
follow through . . . 
and complete each step according to His will.  


Victory is in letting go of the process as well as the outcome.

“For whatever is born of God overcomes the world; 

and this is the victory that has overcome the world

—our faith.”  

1 John 5:4

I need only ask Him, 

follow Him, 

trust Him 

and then let Him.

“Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O Lord, and You exalt Yourself as head over all.”   1 Ch. 29:11










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My Girls

Today we are preparing our home for 13 little ladies to join us for "tea" tomorrow.  My eldest daughter and I have been excitedly planning the menu, the activities, and the fun to celebrate our two littlest ladies and their friends in what we love to do regularly around here.

Have tea parties!!!  

Let me introduce you to my girls alongside some pictures of us enjoying our favorite Tea Room.  Although we would love to visit weekly, we traditionally share High Tea together here on the last day of the year.

I look at these beautiful girls and
I. am. speechless!

Who am I?

No one . . . with not much to offer no one.

And yet . . . God!

God, who is my everything, offers me more than I could ever even imagine that I would want!


The girl who dreamed of a career (and maybe a baby or 2 on the side) is offered an unimaginable dream come true!

Brianne Elizabeth . . .

The first.

The offspring that springs me into motherhood . . .

ready or not . . .

. . . and I was not!

I still remember the fear as we left the hospital the morning after she was born. "How could you possibly let this baby come home with me!  I have no idea what I am doing!  I could hurt her!!!"

And yet, there were other babies to care for so this one was sent with me.

My first, my oldest, my graduate (who survived the transition from private school, to public school, to homeschool with a mother who was reading the books and crying while we began learning a new way of learning—together).  Now, my sister and sojourner with Christ.  A fellow Prayer Counselor at our church.  My dearest friend and desperately needed accountability partner!  I learned a new way to love from her. . . as a mother.

 Faith Charis . . .

 ( the Greek word for "grace" . . .  for her name, we pronounce it "ka-rees")

All our children are gifts of grace— every baby is a grace baby!

Faith was our first gift given out of faith to trust Him more . . .

trust Him in homeschooling
trust Him with how to grow them up
trust Him not to let me screw up too much and mess them up
trust Him with who He wanted to be in our family
trust Him to bless my womb—or not—however He chose 
trust Him to reverse the broken "fix" we had allowed

Being her Mama has grown deep my faith and widened the narrow view I had of grace.  No sweeter name . . . no sweeter face . . . no sweeter, sweet girl than my Miss Faith!


Jelena Joy . . .

(pronounced Ja-lay-na and meaning "filled with praise" so yep . . . put that altogether and you've got "filled with joyful praise!" Nice huh . . . yeah, I think so! :)

This young lady is quite a pistol and I see great accomplishments in her future because this girl doesn't give up or in easily.

She's something else . . . let me tell you!

She is the one God used to bring me to the feet of my Savior when I realized I could no longer do all that I was trying to do out of my own strength.  It took me awhile, but after a few years of ugly (much ugly) God graciously brought me to a place of sweet surrender that never would have happened had I not taken the earlier plunge into faith.

My joy!  My precious Jelena Joy!

Together, they are 3 of the most beautiful ladies in the world.  The soft, feminine side of my world.

So many mother so much better than I do!  

So many times I fall short or flat out fail at this!

Just one more reason why I am so desperately 
dependent upon Jesus and grateful for His grace!  
Because I need so much of it.
They need it in me!

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Recognizing The Gift Given (James 4:1-3)

Reading this section of James reminded me of the phone conversation I had with my mother a few months after my Grandmother passed away.  In my Grandmother’s will everything was split evenly between my mother and her brother.  As my mom and I were talking, she mentioned some things to be given to extended family members.  When I asked if there was any mention of my siblings and I in the will and any thing she desired for us to have, my mother simply said, “no”.  

Surprisingly, I was upset.  And my mother knew it.  She pointed out that her portion of Grandma’s “stuff” would eventually be passed down to us three kids.  Of course I knew that, but what neither one of us could understand was why I was so upset about it.  I walked away from that phone call deeply hurt . . . and ashamed of myself! 

Thinking back on it now brings fresh tears.  My thoughts and behavior were so wrong, so selfish.  It made no sense.  I didn’t even want the things they were given!!!  

So what was the problem?  

Was it simply because I wasn’t getting anything right away?  

Was my heart really that ugly?  

Was I that selfish?  

What was it that I really wanted? 

“Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that war within you.  You want things, but you do not have them. So you are ready to kill and are jealous of other people, but you still cannot get what you want. So you argue and fight. You do not get what you want, because you do not ask God. Or when you ask, you do not receive because the reason you ask is wrong. You want things so you can use them for your own pleasures.”  

James 4:1-3 (NCV)

I wanted what I could not have.  What I would never have this side of heaven, now that she was gone.  Her approval.  I made choices she just did not understand and they frustrated her—disappointed her.  By not being singled out in her will in some way, I felt her rejection over my life’s choices to the full.  I did not want her stuff.  I wanted recognition.  I wanted a letter, a few words, something tangible to “prove” that she loved me.  She was proud of my brother, my sister, my cousins and what they were accomplishing with their lives.  I wanted to know she was proud of me. 

I wanted the pleasure of knowing that our relationship satisfied her—that I satisfied her!

I did not get what I wanted. 

Now obviously, these verses have much deeper meaning than for my simple story.  But sometimes we think we “get” the bigger, deeper meaning from a portion of Scripture we have read over and over and over again that we mentally skip over the message altogether.  We become overly familiar with that which is holy—and in doing so, we become blind.
  

Sometimes we miss the personal message

—the intimate connection—

God intends Scripture to have 

on our own life story. 

When my desire was not met, I responded selfishly. 

I did not ask God to help me let go. 

I never asked Him to heal the wound.

I sought what I thought would please me 
instead of seeking forgiveness.

I failed to recognize the gift God and Grandma HAD given me. 

In my Grandmother's final moments, I sat next to the bed stroking her hand.  Just before she breathed her last, tears fell from her eyes.  She had not been given fluid for days.  There was no moisture in her body to release.  I believed then, as I do now—with all my heart—that she saw the Lord.  I believe what I witnessed was her witnessing Glory.  She gave me a glimpse of the Glory that will be mine some day. 

The spiritual heritage she passed down is priceless.  

Her faithfulness now reflected in the eyes of her grandchildren 

and great grandchildren who walk with Jesus.

What I asked for I did not receive.  In God’s opinion, the recognition and approval I sought was not necessary.  Instead He gave me what I did not even know to ask for. 

Peace!

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Click here for the other posts from my study of the book of James
I am joining The Good Morning Girls as we study James together.

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