Test Reults Day

The anxiety I awoke to in the pit of my stomach was an unwelcomed, familiar surprise.  There were days when that gripping, nauseous feeling lasted all day.  Days where I was consumed with fear!  And that wasn’t all that long ago.

What a difference Abba makes!

Do you remember that old game show, Let’s Make a Deal?  My “rememberer” isn’t all that great, but I believe a contestant won a certain amount of money and they were given the choice to either keep the money or choose one of 3 curtains, winning whatever was behind that curtain.  Sometimes the exchange was in the contestant’s favor—even winning a brand new car.  Other times, they traded hundreds of dollars for a broken down jalopy.  I don’t now why, but I was thinking of that show while trying to sleep last night.

Right now we have three Neurologists opinions of what is wrong with my husband’s brain.

Behind curtain #1—stroke

Behind curtain #2—multiple sclerosis

Behind curtain #3—cavernoma (a type of brain aneurysm)

Today is the day we find out the results of the CT scan, MRI, MRA, Spinal Tap and exhaustive blood tests.  We have been anxious to get answers, but now I want to flee from the day.  I want to escape hearing any words of diagnosis, treatment and expectations the Dr. is ready to share with us. 

And I am reminded of what God reminds me of so often in our quiet time together:

“Let what I want be more important than what you want.”

I want to go to sleep and wake up with this nightmare over.

I want my husband to return from his trip to Oregon the way he left.

I want homeschooling plans to be my focus for the day.

I want the questions of what our future is going to look like, look more like what I thought!

I don’t want a doctor’s answers...I want God’s miraculous, Divine touch!

We know God heals.

We have prayed for healing.

We believe for healing.

We trust Him with our lives.

And our lives are not a game.  

Monty Hall had no control over which choice the contestants made.
No control over what was behind the curtains.

God does! 

Sometimes we get to choose.  Other times, the choice is made for us.  And while today I am wishing, hoping and praying for a curtain #4 to be revealed at our appointment . . . I am at peace.  A deep peace only possible with Yahweh—our covenant making AND keeping God.

I have learned to trust Him with outcomes.

Now He is teaching me to trust Him more deeply 

in the process He takes to get me there.

What answers are you waiting for today?

Are you at deep peace?

Or is fear consuming you, like it consumes so many of us at times?

“If God is for us, who {what} can {will} ever be against us?” Romans 8:31

“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things.” (v. 32)

“Who {what} will separate us from the love of Christ?  Will tribulation or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril or sword?”  (v.35)

“But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us.  (v. 37)

“For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  (v. 38-39)

My Pastor reminded us at prayer last night—it’s about praying expectantly!  Not with expectations, but expectantly trusting His Kingdom to come and looking for the good He brings with Him.

I don’t know what to expect at the Neurologist office today.  But I do know what to expect of God—for He can only, always be good!  His Covenant promises assure us of that!

A Personal Note . . .

Writing lately has been uncomfortable as well as unfruitful.  I’m sure you’ve noticed.  Little content with less quality has not been my agenda.  Although God has asked me to be vulnerable and transparent in this place, neither is possible when I don’t feel God leading in the writing.  And some growth seasons with God are just really, really—and I mean extremely hard!  This one has consumed me fully—intermixing with several life and family events as well.  

Our God is the God of perfection when it comes to timing! 

{Perfection in all things really! J}

All of me—flesh and spirit—is made up from both God's original design for my life and my life lived.  It’s the same with you.  Some parts of our story are easier to work out than others.  They are easier to share.  Some we never do.  It is just too hard and we really don’t know what to do with it, where to go with it.  Being stuck not only frustrates, it damages while draining us. 

For a few months now, God has lovingly and painstakingly worked at removing some debris within my soul.  I have never known my wretchedness nor His love so deep as I know both today! 

Much ground has been taken back from the enemy.  Much repentance for sinful ways I have used to cope with lies that enemy led me to believe.  There is much still to do, but I see the horizon of hope in the distance as Abba gently leads me out of one more pit of bondage into the freedom only possible in Christ!

I hope to begin writing again soon.  I will not write just to post something.  I had several writings ready to go from months past and also reworked some things from the archives.  Those being gone, I cannot offer fresh until I feel led by the Holy Spirit to do so—as I am doing now.  It could be as early as tomorrow.  It could be some time next week.  But this place has sat too silent too long.  I have shared too much with you not to openly share now where I am at today. 

Writing here is, without a doubt, an extension of my personal relationship with our Covenant Making and Keeping God!  I would never have started writing at all had He not asked it of me.  Little did I know then what healing and pain would come from it . . . along with a greater ability to absorb what He is teaching me by working the newly learned lesson into something worth sharing.

I thank you for joining me here and wanting to commune with others in this special-to-me place.  Knowing you are just on the other side of this screen has made me delve deeper and write better.  In hopes of exciting you with all that Jesus excites me with daily!  There will be more soon, I feel it!  Until then . . .

Soli Deo Gloria!

Robin

To Live What I Believe

I keep thinking about what was shared yesterday—

between me and God, then me and you . . .

What if I were to live believing 100% in Psalm 121?

Don’t get me wrong—I DO believe it 100% already!!!

I just don’t LIVE like I believe it . . .

100%

I want to live believing without doubt—knowing experientially!

And not tangled within Satan’s lies that . . .

I do not deserve that kind of loving.

I fall short of being acceptable. 

I am not worthy of attentive care and protection. 

The fact is God loves me, deemed me worthy of Jesus 

and Him within makes me acceptable!

I have experienced God’s love personally and uniquely.  Yet down deep, the Lord has shown me that I have unwillingly and unknowingly come to believe some ugly lies Satan spreads.  And this has hampered belief in my soul—my mind, will and emotions.

I am loved, protected and cared for!

God is in control!

And He is faithful, dependable and good!

This is truth!  Truth I believe!  Truth I walk in . . . in part. 

Truth I want to not doubt.

That’s what our enemy does.  He makes us doubt God.  From the very first, with Eve—his intentions were to get her to doubt what God had said.  And that is what he continues to do with you and me today.

If we doubt—we are less a threat to his kingdom on earth.

If we believe—we walk in full power and authority for the Kingdom of Heaven.

I am weeding through this, but here is where I start today . . .

I commit to being more active & less passive in these 6 areas:

1. Take control over thoughts. (2 Cor. 10:1-6)
2. Come against the evil one in power and authority. (James 4:7)
3. Meditate more on the Word. (John 15:1-11)
4. Believe God! (Hebrews 11:6)
5. Stop worry and fear at the doorstep of my mind. (Luke 12:22-32)
6. Let ALL my requests be made known to God. (Phil. 4:6, 7)

      {Lots more verses than these given—do some searching on Studylight.org!  J }

God longs to see us rest in Him—trusting Him completely. 

We have all come far. 

He will bring us the rest of the way.

That is certain!

Do you struggle with living out what you believe in certain areas?

What is holding your faith back?

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Safe While Being Saved ~ Part 2

{May I suggest you begin here if you did not already read what I shared yesterday?}

Living on the other side of abuse defined who I was.  Not because I wanted to play the victim, but because I was!  I was the victim of a man’s selfish, distorted, sexual needs and I was the victim of his use of spiritual authority over me for control, compliance and silence.  I was a very confused, lonely victim.  And nobody knew it.  Not even me! 

I was just living.  Going from day to month, circumstance to situation, event to activity taking in and responding out of my wreckage.  I developed my own set of coping skills.

Satan knew my experiences and studied my reactions, using them against me.  This is what he does with all of us!  His assaults aren’t new—they aren’t even creative, but they work because they feed our doubt and stir our resentment.  Satan stirred my doubts that God loved me and fed anger drenched sorrow over my injustices.  Every time I sinned I agreed with him, giving him more access to my heart, will and emotions.  Over the years he built some mighty strong fortresses that opposed God’s truth, further compromising my life in Christ.

Strongholds of—

Rejection

Insignificance
Insecurity

Shame

Unforgiveness

Unbelief 
Fear

And the list goes on . . .

There was a lot of wreckage—there still is some.

But God!

God is into salvage! J

To be put to good, profitable use—a vessel must be salvaged . . .

saved and made whole!

We are God’s handiwork—created vessels through which He spreads the gospel and His glory.  He can and does use us in our current state, yes!  But there are restrictions because we need fixing up.  We need continuing salvation.

As I mentioned yesterday, part of being salvaged is being safe in the being saved. 
I don’t think I can say that enough for me to hear!!! 

If you have ever feared "any thing", if you have ever feared the valleys and the “where He might take me’s”, the “what if’s” . . .
you need to hear this again!  

There is no safer Port for your damaged vessel!  

He is a Shelter like no other.

You are safe as you are being saved!

Salvage is not only the rescuing of the vessel and its crew, but it is the saving of the goods or property that were in danger of damage or destruction.  God’s salvaging is complete! 

He goes after the vessel (YOU!) 

and the goods (all you have to offer!)

To salvage is to . . .

save,

recover,

rescue,

restore,

repair,

get back,

retrieve,

redeem,

glean,

repossess,

fetch back!

Jesus is fetching you back for repairs with the purpose of restoring that which was lost or damaged, in danger or destroyed.

He repossessed you to redeem you!

He is liberating you from the junk, 

the waste, and all the scrap 

that unnecessarily binds you!

Salvaging is and has been and will be an on-going process our entire lives.  He desires to go deeply with us as we seek to seek Him deeper.  He rewards those who seek Him.  He wrote that!  He promised that!  And God keeps His word!  Believe in it and trust Him to keep you safe.  You can be no safer than you are today; wrapped in and under the shadow of His wing. 

You cannot get loose—ever! 

• Trust Him in the salvaging process.
• See with the eyes of your heart, your spiritual eyes—not your physical eyes of the flesh.
• Trust His heart towards you.
• Trust what He has said.
• Trust, obey, and be grateful in and for the process.
• Look for Him in every moment of doubt.
• Believe what you know to be true—in faith and by experience.

Trust His faithfulness from the past to be faithful for your today!

“Dearest friends...put into action God’s saving work in your lives, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.  For God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him.”  Phil. 2:12, 13

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Safe While Being Saved

I walk down the aisle of the darkened room to the same spot as always—front pew, just left of the platform.  This place has been my heart’s home since I was 9.  I breathe the air in deep as I wonder aloud, “How did you ever keep me here, Father?  How you have kept me!” 

My times alone in our church sanctuary are few.  It’s a home to many.  And there are many in my own home.  To be anywhere, by myself, is rare.  To find this place empty of others is also.  But, oh . . . how grateful I am when He plans these rendezvous’!

Before I talk and listen, I look—with physical eyes at now; memory’s eyes on then.  I see the pastor of my childhood fall off the platform’s edge in his excitement sharing the Scriptures.  I sing the songs and speak the lines from our musicals, this time without the butterflies!  I witness my own baptism.  Going under the waters understanding more fully than I could at the time what it means to “die with Christ so that I can be raised with Him.”  My peach and teal wedding colors—how horribly they clashed with the red carpet and gold pews.  And yet, never has this room looked more beautiful.  Our children’s dedications, musicals and baptisms.  Brianne playing her harp in the orchestra, Jesse on drums for worship, Jacob’s group sharing their interpretive dance, Faith singing and motioning her heart out for Jesus, while Nate and Jelena play on the risers with friends.

This place is my history.  This place is my present.  

This place holds my story!

My eyes close as I picture the old church kitchen—left of the sanctuary, next to the choir room.  Churches are always short a classroom or two, aren’t they?  This kitchen was my classroom as I transitioned out of childhood.  A classroom my innocence was not prepared for as a young, naïve, hurting 13.  He stands in front, fresh in my mind, yet elusive—like memories are.  Always to be part of my story.  As inescapable as the pit he threw me in. 

I think of Joseph and his pit.  His first thoughts were not of forgiveness.  They were not of God being good.  I am sure they were much like my own; desperation to be saved, to be free again—unscathed and unaltered for having been selfishly and carelessly trampled down low and deep.

Joseph’s pit-pushers were his own brothers, living with him and knowing him, looking for revenge.  Mine was my Sunday School teacher, living with us and manipulating kindness, looking for opportunity.  For both of us, the master-mind was our enemy, Satan—out to destroy his own enemy’s plans.

I think of all my pit friend became.  How he trusted . . . believing God’s good intent towards him.  How the glory of God was revealed through his life.  My pit experience created overwhelming confusion in Who the I AM truly was.  Was He love?  Was He for me?  Or was He the One responsible for the twisted shards of innocence and trust lay entangled with anger, fear and shame within me.  So long I lay wrecked.

This place may hold my story, but it is the Story Maker who holds me! 

The aisle I have walked to this day has been painfully freeing.  The Savior’s pit removal process also came from this place, from within this Body.  The place undeniably bound to my wounds now comes alongside as the healing balm in restoration.  Healing has happened. 

As I sit in my spot with joy-filled tears flowing free, I ask the I AM for a word—a word to linger on as I focus my thoughts on Easter and all that is the Messiah, my Jesus.

Salvage

I admit I am not impressed. J
Is that it?  Are You sure?  Did I hear You right? 

Three times I asked.  Three times I heard.

Salvage

I let it rest until dark morning hours come offering time to look this over deep.  My given word comes from the same root word as “salvation” . . . meaning safe, healthy.  My heart races as I dive in deeper. 

Salvage is . . .

• the rescue of a vessel
• to make fit for use
• the act of saving that which is saved
• something saved from destruction or waste & put to further use
• to save from loss or destruction

That’s when I hear the Shepherds Voice I’ve learned to know so well...

“I AM salvaging you!”

I want to share more with you about this, so please come back tomorrow!  Many of us are wrecks!  We are damaged vessels.  By our own doing and by the acts of others, but ALL is salvageable by the loving hands of I AM!

All is redeemable!

One of the most powerful thoughts He left with me, I leave with you today—

Part of being salvaged is being safe in the being saved. 

Take that to heart and believe it for yourself . . .

You are safe as you are being saved!

Click here, for Part 2 ~ Safe While Being Saved

Gracious Ann along with She Speaks offers the opportunity for one shy writer to learn from others how to better minister, lead, write, and speak for God’s glory.  The She Speaks Conference is about women connecting the hearts of women to the heart of our Father God.  My heart truly is to serve Him as He leads.  How I would love to learn to serve you better here in this place! 

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What Is Your “Ugly”?

Mine is beautiful—the word, that is.

As far back as my minds memory chooses to go . . . the word beautiful has been ugly to me.  Not in reference to things so much, but in reference to me.  For years I hated to hear that word as my stomach churned in knots while another’s voice echoed from my past—the voice of selfish, abusive, betrayal. 

A beautiful word, created by Beautiful Himself, to invoke beautiful thoughts and feelings means any thing but to me. 

Do you have an ugly word?  An ugly color?  An ugly song?  An ugly smell?  An ugly something that summons ugly memories?

Many of us do. 

Many of us have “uglies” of the past that affect the beautiful of our marriage today.  It steals our joy—kills our desired response—and at times . . . it destroys the relationship altogether.

Did you notice three key words there?  Steal—kill—destroy!  The arsenal of the evil one—our enemy (John 10:10).  He is behind your “ugly”.  He is behind my ugly.  Ugly is how he works!

I believe Satan's lies so readily, so easily—

yet hesitate and contemplate 

whether I will believe God’s truth.  

Amazing!

When my husband says to me, “you are so beautiful,” I shrink back—I balk—I reject his words and, in that instance, reject him.  He had nothing to do with the twisting of its meaning and yet he’s held as captive by the ugly as I.  Satan binds us both.  And every time I cater to the enemy’s wishes he wins.  That makes me mad!  To think that I am agreeing with him in anything makes. me. mad! 

From the moment we are born, Satan watches us.  He studies our reactions and responses.  He sees our woundings and injustices.  He catches the cause of our pain, fear and anger . . . monopolizing it—he builds upon it.  He gains access to our hearts when we respond to our hurt in sin and gradually, slowly, over time—because he knows it’s on his side—he structures a wall between us and God.  Brick by brick . . . layer by layer . . . he builds a fortress within our heart to keep others at a distance, including a Savior.  We don’t even know he’s done it.  We can pinpoint the trauma, the abuse, the deep cutting into our soul—but we don’t recognize the materials of the brick layer until the fortress—the stronghold—is created.

Do you have an “ugly” separating you in your relationship with your spouse?  With others?  An ugly that recalls memories so strong that they usher from past to present so quickly they seem almost touchable, audible—so vivid you almost reel and wretch, swallowed in its depths once more?

It is escapable!  I promise!

Claim the Name!  Plead the Blood!  Take the power and authority given to you by God through Christ Jesus and rebuke Satan (Col. 2:9-10; John 14:12; Luke 10:17, 19-20; Eph. 1;19-22, 2:6; James 4:7)—out loud!—in this area he holds over you.  Bind him from holding you any further!

Take all thoughts captive when your “ugly” shows its ugly head (2 Co. 10:3-5)!  Don’t entertain any lies concerning it.  Cast them out immediately and replace the lie with the truth!

I am still working on this—but it’s better! 

One day the word beautiful will once again be, completely beautiful!


So, too, can your ugly!

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