What was that little note that I commented on just Monday—just 2 days ago? Hmmm...Settled faith.
I had just come across that line at the top of my writing during my morning reading time. My thoughts kind of took off with it and what you read was just a simple reminder to myself. Or so it seemed.
Then came Tuesday...
The pressing began with bleeding when there shouldn’t be. A newly forming soul was being fashioned, knitted together in the secret place. Far enough along now, or so I thought, so as not to worry.
Doctor alongside technology looked for the little one. Little one was found.
I’ve laid on the table many times. I know where the tiny, flashing, lighted spot is to be. The life spot—the heart. We found only stillness.
Motionless tranquility breaking my own heart.
There was no dancing and spinning to make me smile. My baby was just floating in the waters.
My heart ceased its own beating until I felt it reverberating in my head, throat and chest so loud and wild that I thought it would burst from my body.
I’ve been down this road before. Differently, but the same road. The pressing comes fresh.
Do I still trust in God’s goodness and love for me? Do I still believe that He cares how much this hurts—that He understands how difficult this walk is to take? Do I still want to keep taking chances and agree to trust Him as He asked us to almost 8 years ago now “to give us who He wanted to be in our family”? Even if it is only for a little while?
My thoughts never considered on Monday the news I’d receive on Tuesday.
I reread my Monday thoughts once more. I check my faith once more. It’s not the same. Even though it has only been a difference of 2 short days. Amidst the pain, there is growth.
There are four things I believe, without doubt...
First of all, God is good ALL the time and He has been so very good to us. We know He will continue to be so as we walk through this.
Secondly, I believe this life was as complete in God’s eyes as anyone else’s! Including my 87 year old grandmothers!
Thirdly, (as was shared to me by our eldest daughter and revealed to her by the Spirit as she cried out to God)—this soul is more alive now than we even are! We are dying by the second, by the inch. This life, our baby, is fully alive and in the presence of the Lord!
And finally, we are sure that we will learn things, see Him, grow in ways we never could have had this baby not come into our lives for this very short visit.
Proven faith—it’s what I desire, what I ask God for. How can I oppose the pressing to prove authentication?
We are sad and disappointed—that is the truth! But we are comforted by the fact that God hears our prayers, our cries, and that He has captured each of our tears in His bottle—each and every one! They are that important to Him!
May I ask you for your prayers on my behalf? Would you please pray and ask God to assist my body in releasing baby quickly. My doctor wants to be patient, but she has her own thoughts as to when a more intrusive route should be taken than what I have in mind.
I thank you for praying and thinking on me, friends and sisters!
He is good! Always!