Saturday, April 25, 2009


My life is suspended by death.

God has lovingly placed me in a grace “bubble” of sorts. I sense His Spirit. I stay reminded of my miraculous walk yesterday. My grief lessens as my heart embraces my little one being present in God’s presence.

But the truth remains.

I am carrying death!

I had forgotten to pack my little blue sleep helper on our rush to escape to the ocean. :) That, coupled with an uncomfortable sleeping arrangement which included Jelena’s elbow in my ear, kept me up most of the night.

Most of it was spent talking to God—go figure...

And most of the talking was asking for His mercy to release this body solely by the effort of my own body.

From the signs I have been given, the time is near.

But I had to pause and reflect on what has become excruciatingly difficult for me today.

The place of my living body that couples with the Creator God to create life is currently holding death.

Six times God brought forth life from the same sacred, secret place that I am begging Him now to deliver death.

My mind immediately rushes to Psalm 139 where all of the beautiful verses reside in relation to how God fashions and forms us in the womb.

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
Psalm 139:13-16a

This is what my heart struggles with today. This place. This beautiful, uniquely precious, one-of-a-kind, life-giving, God-creating workshop now seems darkened to me somehow!

I consider the verses that follow with my heart completely sold-out on the truth that my baby’s life was a completed life!

And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.
Psalm 139:16b-18

(Since beginning this writing my God, my gracious Abba Father, has once again given me a precious grace gift that simply overwhelms me as my fingers press the keyboard!)

I read these verses now, not from my own perspective, but from that of my precious child’s.

“In God’s book was written that I would only have these precious few days ordained to me. God was not surprised at all by the shortness of my time. Before the first cell of me was created, thus beginning my first day, He knew all of my days would be spent in my mother’s womb. All of my ordained days were to be spent in constant company with my mother and with my Creator. How precious God’s thoughts MUST be of me! That He would take the time to fearfully and wonderfully form, fashion and create me for such a short time as I was given. How precious I must be! How loved I must be by my God! His thoughts of me while working with my being would outnumber the sands of the sea if I were to count them. I am now fully awake and I am with Him! He never left me while forming me and now my days of eternity with Him have only begun.”

Such beauty from ashes! Such light from the darkness!

And yes, He does touch on that in this Psalm as well...

If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me
And the light around me will be night,"
Even the darkness is not dark to You
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
Psalm 139:11, 12

Heavenly Father, how do I even begin to thank praise you...for the light you have given me this night! I began this piece of writing with such heaviness of heart. I felt so compelled to sit and honestly put out on this blank screen the darkness that threatened to drown me once more. Nothing in Your hands goes unredeemed. Your grace has once more poured lavishly upon me. My gratitude is inadequate as my heart leaps from within and my tears freely flow. You have redeemed my grief and once again replaced my sorrow with great joy. I am washed afresh in your restorative peace.

My eyes see anew the verses from the opening of that very same Psalm...

1 O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me.
You knew how my heart would be struggling today.

2 You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You know my thoughts even when they are unclear to me!

3 You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.
When you send me to the ocean and bring me home again. When I call to You, cry to You, sing to You, try to hide from You.

4 You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.
You know what I am going to write, even before I write it, Lord.

5 You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Your grace surrounds—comforting and supporting me. I know Your touch!

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!
I am in the midst of experiencing You, and yet, this is all too wonderful, too great for me to comprehend!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence!
You are always where I am! My feelings do not nullify nor do they ratify this point. I am never without You!

8 If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there.
In Life and in death. You are there!

9 If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
If I lay in a doctor’s office, if I ride alone in a car, if I rest and wait at home, if I follow You on a walk. And yes—if I journey to the ocean!

10 even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me.
My Shepherd and my Salvation! My Refuge and my Rock!