Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Falling Short

Christmastime is always one of mixed emotions for me.  There is never enough time for everything—all I want to do, should do, need to do, feel obligated to do.  I often get to the door of Christmas feeling like something is missing.  Like I forgot something along the way.

Every year we do some form of advent devotionalI try.  It never seems to fit in well with everyone’s schedule...or their desires.  To slow down and focus on Jesus is what I want.  And what I want for all I live with.  This was just one more year of falling short in that area.  The grass the Littles grew by planting seeds for every act of kindness is still living in dirt instead of lining the nativity manger as they were supposed to on Christmas morning.  Christmas morning I was gathering everyone up for the 2 hour drive to my parent’s house.  Falling short by arriving late.      
                                                                           I'm always late.      Even for Christmas.

Ahh...but my biggest screwup this year came out of the stupidest of circumstances.  Isn’t that how it can be?  I heard my pastor once share that our secret thoughts will often become our public shame.  Christmas Eve was my turn to shine.  When my unrealized thoughts of another disappointing Christmas spilled out ugliness for an entire room full of people to witness.  “Out of the mouth, the heart speaks” and boy did my heart say volumes that night in the dumb gift exchange.  

Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about it.  Part of me didn’t even want to hear what God had to say.  The part that feels I already do—give up more of what “I want” than other believers (ugly, eh?)But the other part was repulsed!  Only wanting to be more like Christ.

When I fall short, it is like a war within.  And I get tired.  I feel like the character in an old cartoon with an angel version of himself on one shoulder and a devil image of himself on the other.  Each warring with words in defense of what action was taken.

God’s love is all encompassing and sometimes I want it above all other things.

Other times, I want the things...

God always and forever wants me—Robin!  He loves me and desires me to draw closer to His heart.  To come after Him and let Him be all I need—all I want.  He hears.  He sees my hurt.  He. Loves. Me!  Amazing!

He cannot make me want what He wants for me.  No more than I can make my children want what I want for them.

He wants me to let His Completeness completely take me over!

In the instant I fall short...  “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Rom. 3:23

I’m ever so grateful for grace!  “(God) who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works [thank you Jesus!], but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity.”  2 Tim. 1:9

And love!  “because love covers a multitude of sins.”  1 Peter 4:8