Thursday, November 3, 2011

His Desire vs. My Agenda—Relevant '11

I want to spend some time being completely honest.

I am holy, chosen, and dearly loved.
I am also weak, sin filled, and self-centered.

When I left for the Relevant Conference last week, I had high hopes of meeting fellow bloggers with the intent to build relationships.  I have been writing in this place for 3 ½ years now, but have not really done anything to promote or grow the readership of the blog.  I saw Relevant as God’s open door to doing so. 

Problem was, I never asked God how He felt about that. 

I went to Relevant knowing that a lot of the ladies already knew one another and had been growing relationships online.  No imagination could prepare me for the giggling and cackling, the screaming and embracing that accompanied that first evening together. J

I was out of the loop and definitely felt it.

No connections and no voice in a gathering filled with boisterous reunions.

What I was looking for, in some ways, the conference could have delivered . . . but it was not what God wants me focused on.  I already knew that!  But I chose to ignore it.

I guess I was hoping to grow my blog’s exposure by exposing my wonderful self J
{Yep, pretty ugly huh!}

God wanted to save me from that . . . so He quieted me. 
I could not over talk when I could barely speak. 
I could not exalt me when I could hardly chit chat!

I wanted the most for my blog out of this expensive, mostly paid-for-by-others trip.  My expectation was that God wanted the same since it was He that had made it possible for me to be there and repeatedly told me to go.  Yet, I failed to ask Him ahead of time to lead and bless and reveal His desires for my time on the trip and my learning.

I went with my own agenda and then felt sorry for myself when I realized things would not happen as I had planned.

I have been so tired of “hard” over these past few years.  And then something I had expected to be glorious, a bit of a “time-out” from the difficulty of the past couple of months, seemed to turn on me.

The truth is . . . 
I’m tired.  
I’m sad.  
I’m trusting.  
I’m believing.  
I’m growing.  
I’m hurting.  
I’m hoping.  
And I so desperately wanted Relevant to take away some of the hurt, fix some of the brokenness and shore up some of the weakened places.

What a bit of pressure for those three young ladies in charge! J

Our God is a jealous and protective God!  
He protected me from my self and jealously remains 
the only One who can gain credit for what He is doing 
in this selfish, sinful heart of mine.

“And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.” 
2 Cor. 12: 9, 10