Saturday, August 23, 2008

Some Days

I am getting older.

With that, I’d like to be getting wiser and more mature. Wiser in the things, the ways of God. Mature in my walk with Him.

Some today...I just feel more lost and alone than I ever have before.

Some days what looks like a comfortable fit for others, seems so awkward for myself.

At the church that we now attend, the fellowship is filled with wise, godly woman who are loving their husbands, loving and training their children and walking with confidence their journey. I feel so small amongst them. I feel so inadequate. I feel so unsure of myself.

My husband and I have made some choices, decisions that are quite different than how we were and how we walked when we first met, dated, married and spent our first years together. Then began the homeschooling journey. Then began the journey to trust God with our family, and even more specific, our family’s size and whom He would want to place within it.

More years have now gone by and we’ve felt led to make some even more different choices concerning how we live and how we raise our family.

Some days I feel like it is too much. That the change is more than I can bear.

Not because I miss the old ways so much. I have no desire to send my children back to public school and I wouldn’t give back any of my 3 youngest children. I’d give my last breath for each one. I don’t look back with regret on these newer changes either. But some days....

Some days I just feel like I don’t fit anywhere.

I certainly don’t fit into my old world.

Now these new places God is taking me to. I felt so lost all these other times before as well. Why does the lostness seem to scare me so now?

Maybe it is because He took me through those transformations while I was still a part of that old world. Now I am within a world that is so much different than the old. They seem to know so much more. They walk in that confidence that I walked in before but while I still felt very much alone.

Yes...I did feel alone then too. I had forgotten.

Now I try to wade through this new way. Doesn’t it make more sense that I would feel less alone, less fearful because I am on the path with others this time? Others that believe what I feel pleases God as we believe.

I see their joy, their contentment. They are happy. They have happy lives, happy families, happy children. I have that. What is the difference? That is what I don’t understand. What am I not getting, God? What am I not understanding? What am I missing? I so desperately desire to know!

Do I ask too much of my relationship with You? You are the Almighty. You are the “I Am” God. You are the only true God. Do I ask to be too personally close to You? I talk to You throughout my day as I have no dearer friend. No one knows me like you. No one can help me figure myself out like You. But am I asking too much of You? You are my Creator, my Sustainer, my Savior, my God. As a lowly human being, am I asking for too much to ask You to help me make sense of this all? To make sense of where you want me to To make this all fit on me?

I am joyful because I am a child of the King and I am so very blessed!

Some days, though, I am as a frightened, lonely, lost little child.

Help me find my way to You Father.

Yes, I had forgotten for just a minute are my Father as well as the Almighty God. As a Father wants to be intimate with each of his children, so do You with Yours. Thank you for that reminder. I so needed that tonight.

It’s late. The neighbor’s dumb dog keeps barking and I cannot sleep. :)

Father, hear my cries to You and help me find the comfortable path that I believe You want me to walk. I know that the way does get bumpy and uncomfortable at times, but Your yoke is promised to be light. Help me find that lightness. This heavy darkness becomes overwhelming some days.

Bring me wisdom and maturity I pray.

Bring me closer to You, my Lord and Savior.

Bring me comfort in these walking shoes for the journey as for now they do not suit me well. Are they the wrong fit or do I just need to work them in a bit?

This new it a wrong fit or do I just need to give it time to get comfortable?

The old world will never fit again. I know that. I can’t go back and I really don’t want to. I just desire to find the place where I do fit. Where I fit, bring You glory and am a benefit to others along the way.

Lead me...I will follow where ever You lead me...and I will trust You...each and every day...


Shari Miller said...

Dear Friend-

I think there are times that we all feel like this. I just want to remind you that you are loved, you are not alone and to some degree I understand.

I love your new music, it's very peaceful.


Robin said...

Yes, I agree...that we all at times must surely feel this way. That is the only reason I posted something so personal. I felt God ask me to write my feelings out. I did and then He asked that I post them. After hesitating almost an hour :) I did. Sometimes we each need to be a little vulnerable before our sisters. I guess this was my turn. :)

I am so glad you like the music. I do want this to be a pleasant place to visit.

Much love,
Robin :)

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